Released in 1991, Operation Secret Storm sought to combine the first Gulf War with a side scrolling action game like P.O.W. or Rush'N Attack. Besides trying to cash in on the conflict, the biggest problem was... it's a Color Dreams game.

Color Dreams Suit #1: Hey! Let's get some of that Double Dragon cashola! The kids love those games!

Color Dreams Suit #2: Yeah! But what should the story be?... Wait!... did you see the news last night? Let's have a game where you capture Saddam!

CDS #1: Great! But we need to spice it up a bit. How about.. we add lots of different enemies. Like guys with robes!

CDS #2: And guys without robes!

CDS #1: And Ninjas! Kids love Ninjas!

CDS #2: How about animals? We should have them fight some animals...

CDS #1: Yeah! They have camels and hornets and stuff in the Middle East, right?

CDS #2: And we want the game to last a long time so the parents will know they're getting good value.

CDS #1: Yes! We can have the hero have no good weapons whatsoever. Maybe a grenade or a gun, but he has to find them in the stages.

CDS #2: Yeah! And the enemies can be really powerful, with heat seeking rocket launchers and swords and throwing stars! Plus, they will attack in groups and their guns and rockets will juggle the player, not allowing him to hit the ground or fight back!

CDS #1: Great! Let's get the programmer to start!

CDS #2: When do we ship?

CDS #1: Next week, of course!

Now behold the magnificence that was borne from that meeting!

Behold the Stage Map! Okay! I'm starting my mission in Basra. I'll get to Saddam's palace - just to the west - by visiting every other city on the map, in a counter-clockwise direction, first!

Behold the First Stage! Why am I holding my gun if I have no bullets? And are those mountains or tents in the background?

Behold the Stage1 Boss! Why am I fighting a bald eagle in Iraq?

Behold the Stage 2 Boss! Who knew camels could fly AND shoot fireballs?

Behold the Stage 3 Boss! A Genie? All I have is my &%#% jumping kick.

Behold the Stage 4 mid-Boss! Either that's a petroleum monster or the Devil himself. The Stage Boss is... exactly the same, but green!

Behold Stage 7! Boy.. someone's asking to be sued... I haven't run into any bosses since Stage 4, either!

Behold Stage 9! Someone is REALLY asking to be sued.

Behold Stage 10! Finally, the mastermind! Oh $^&#!... Saddam can Transform!

What's the lesson learned from this? Always walk the path of light and only play games that are Pinky G certified. My poor NEX feels violated. Maybe some Downtown Nekketsu Koushinkyoku Soreyuke Daiundoukai will make it feel better.