SUPER BOMBERMAN

Now what’s all this? Little men (look like children to me) hurling explosives at each other? This is obviously some training module meant to indoctrinate our children into the glamorous world of munitions creation and detonation. Look on in terror as the youth of America sit, transfixed, the power of the latest high tech microns bombarding their innocent faces. How long will it be until your precious offspring are drawn into the world of radical fundamentalism? And what is this device on the box cover? Some kind of detonator?! The government must be notified lest our families fall victim to the latest techno terror to infest our homes.

PEGGLE

Many parents may initially be fooled by Peggle’s glossy kid-friendly veneer. Don’t fall for it. The game’s obvious goal is to cause the player to enter a drug-induced euphoria known as “Extreme Fever” (most likely an obscene sexual reference), a cacophony of light and sound shamelessly designed to ensnare the helpless user beyond all hope of rescue. Loosely based on the foreign vice known as “pachinko” (Japanese for HARDCORE DRUGS), a cast of talking animals blaspheme their way through a variety of levels (some even promoting the occult!) encouraging the user to become more addicted to their candy coated dreamland. Also you can play it on the internet I think, which can only mean one thing – pedophiles, pedophiles, pedophiles!

PONG

Undoubtedly the most salacious of the modern game offenders is the scourge known only as “Pong”. Dreamed up in the mysterious Orient in the late 19th century, Hong Kong Pong parlors were dens of iniquity the likes of which the modern world has never known. Now using the latest in evil atomic steam engines, this “Pong” has infiltrated the malt shops and radio programmes that have, until recently, been a bastion of safety for the modern family unit. The blatantly phallic symbols glide across the screen suggestively, hypnotizing all who gaze upon it into a godless frenzy. Also, it is a scientific fact that 150% of all consumers of this game (and a large portion of those who reside under the roof in which it is played) will eventually engage in sexual congress of some kind. Scandalous!

Well, we hope that this investigation into games that we’ve briefly looked at and read about at a glance have caused you to rethink the games that you know even less about than we do. Remember – the evil bits and bytes of the Atomic Age are to be feared!